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Money Love & Money: Financial Dynamics in Relationships
Money can’t buy you love, or can it? Historically, marriage was regarded more as an economic alliance between families than a declaration of love. And even if attitudes have changed, when marriages turn sour, a divorce in the U.S. can be costly. “No romance without finance” might be a more cynical – but more realistic – statement.
But how do love and money impact one another today? A survey on behalf of Self Financial asked 1,048 American adults about the overall impact their romantic relationships have had on their finances, and financial dynamics within relationships and when dating. Topics covered include what financial habits are attractive in a potential partner, transparency over finances and conflict over finances in relationships.
Key findings from the Survey:
- Relationships are four times more likely to increase – rather than decrease – your net worth (47.2% compared to 11.5%).
- Respondents were more likely to downplay their personal financial worth than exaggerate it (21.5% compared to 9.8%).
- 40.4% of people would have been put off by their partner if they knew their finances up-front.
- A little over a third said that their partner is financially dependent on them (35.5%), rising to 46.5% of male respondents.
- Those in relationships for 6 months or less had a 55.3% chance of sharing salary information, compared to 92.6% of those in relationships longer than a decade.
- Two in five (41.4%) respondents said that financial issues had factored into a past breakup.
- Can’t afford to break up: 46.2% of respondents said they would or would be more likely to break up with their partner if it would have no financial impact on them.
- Owing money to friends (63.5%), not tipping staff (46.8%) or being criticised for spending choices (46.6%) seen as the biggest financial red flags when dating.
Relationships more likely to have a positive than negative effect on your net worth
The average number of relationships someone has before marriage is five. [1] Marriage.com, "What Is the Average Length of a Relationship Before Marriage" https://www.marriage.com/advice/relationship/average-length-of-a-relationship Different relationships leave different marks, not only emotionally – but financially too. You may have had one financially devastating relationship, and another which helped you get back on your feet.
When asked to look at their romantic lives overall, respondents said their relationships had a net positive effect on their finances (47.2%). A little less said it had a neutral impact (41.2%) and only 11.5% said there had been a net negative impact.
Positive impact
The most positive financial impact reported by respondents was the savings incurred by sharing costs such as housing, utilities, transport and subscriptions (such as to streaming platforms) (45.7%), followed by dual income security (40.5%) and marriage tax benefits (32.8%).
A study by ApartmentAdvisor in 2024 found that sharing the cost of renting a one-or two-bedroom apartment can save renters thousands of dollars in annual living expenses. This is especially true in big cities. For example, in New York the study found an individual can save on average $26,346 per year by sharing a one bedroom apartment with their partner. [2] ApartmentAdvisor, "Be My Valentine… And My Roommate? Here's How Much You Can Save By Moving In Together." https://www.apartmentadvisor.com/blog/post/be-my-valentine-and-my-roommate-heres-how-much-you-can-save-by-moving-in
| Common reasons for relationships having a positive financial impact* | |
|---|---|
| Activity | Percentage of respondents |
| Shared costs: e.g. housing or subscriptions | 45.7% |
| Dual income security | 40.5% |
| Marriage tax benefits | 32.8% |
| Good financial influence | 30.0% |
| A partner paying for expenses | 26.6% |
| Access to better credit | 22.3% |
| Inheritance tax savings | 16.1% |
*Respondents could choose multiple answers
Four in five (83.6%) of people who reported that their relationships had a net positive impact on their finances estimated that their relationship/s had increased their net worth by upwards of $10,000. Just under a quarter (23.8%) of people said that they had gained between $100,000 - $249,999 as a result of their combined romantic relationships.
| Positive financial impact on net worth* | |
|---|---|
| How much respondents estimated their romantic relationships had on their net worth | Percentage of respondents |
| Gained between $1 - $1,000 | 6.5% |
| Gained between $1,000 - $10,000 | 9.9% |
| Gained between $10,000 - $49,999 | 20.0% |
| Gained between $50,000 - $99,999 | 19.2% |
| Gained between $100,000 - $249,999 | 23.8% |
| Gained between $250,000 - $499,999 | 11.7% |
| Gained more than $500,000 | 8.9% |
*Answers from respondents who experienced a net positive financial impact from their relationships.
Negative impact
But not everyone has been so lucky. The main reasons why a relationship may have a negative financial effect are unequal financial contributions and frequently paying for a partner (55.3%). Next up is picking up bad financial habits from a romantic partner. Of those who reported a relationship having a negative financial effect, 46.6% said their partner was a bad influence on their spending and saving habits (for example, not sending bills on time or having more luxury tastes).
| Common reasons for relationships having a negative financial impact* | |
|---|---|
| Activity | Percentage of respondents |
| Unequal financial contributions | 55.3% |
| Bad financial influence | 46.6% |
| Co-signing loans/ taking on debt | 27.1% |
| Partner spending their money | 26.7% |
| Neglecting a career in favor of a relationship | 19.4% |
| Cost of separation | 14.3% |
*Respondents could choose multiple answers
When asked to estimate how much they might have lost in their romantic relationships to date, the most common choice (31.4%) was between $10,000 - $49,999. Just over one in six (17.4%) of people who said their relationship had had an overall negative financial impact said their relationships had cost them over $250,000.
| Negative financial impact on net worth* | |
|---|---|
| How much respondents estimated their romantic relationships had on their net worth | Percentage of respondents |
| Lost between $1 - $1,000 | 6.6% |
| Lost between $1,000 - $10,000 | 19.8% |
| Lost between $10,000 - $49,999 | 31.4% |
| Lost between $50,000 - $99,999 | 14.9% |
| Lost between $100,000 - $249,999 | 9.9% |
| Lost between $250,000 - $499,999 | 10.7% |
| Lost more than $500,000 | 6.6% |
*Answers from respondents who experienced a net negative financial impact from their relationships.
Dynamics in current relationships
When respondents currently in relationships were asked if knowing previously about their partner's finances would have impacted their choices when dating, 29.7% said that they would have been less interested, and one in ten (10.7%) said that they would not have dated them.
| Would having known your partner's financial status when you first met have impacted your interest in them? | |
|---|---|
| Reason | Percentage of respondents |
| It would have had no impact | 41.9% |
| I would have been less interested | 29.7% |
| I would have been more interested | 17.6% |
| I would not have dated them | 10.7% |
Just under half (45%) said that both partners in the relationship count themselves as financially independent. A little over a third (35.5%) said that their partner is financially dependent on them and one in five (19.5%) said they were financially dependent on their partner. Women were twice as likely to be financially dependent on their partner than men (21.8% compared to 10.2%).
But when it came to how to split bills and expenses the answers were more divided. Three in ten either had one partner paying for more of the bills and expenses (31.9%) or split everything proportionally based on individual incomes (30.8%). The remaining respondents either split everything equally regardless of income (22.2%) or took turns covering different expenses (like dates) or bills (15.1%).
| How do couples split their bills and expenses? | |
|---|---|
| Method | Percentage of respondents |
| One partner pays for most or all of the bills or costs | 31.9% |
| We split bills or costs equally, regardless of income. | 22.2% |
| We split bills or costs proportionally based on our individual incomes. | 30.8% |
| We take turns covering different expenses or bills. | 15.1% |
Transparency in the relationship about finances
Most couples reported a high degree of financial transparency in their relationship: eight in ten (79.2%) said they knew what each other earns, and seven in ten (69.9%) said that they knew what each other had saved or how much they were in debt. The longer you have been in a relationship, the more likely you are to know about your partner's financial profile. For example, those in relationships for six months or less had a 55.3% chance of sharing salary information, compared to 92.6% of those in relationships longer than a decade.
| Has a partner ever been misleading about their finances? | |
|---|---|
| Experience | Percentage of respondents |
| All partners have been transparent about their finances | 36.2% |
| I have experienced both someone downplaying and exaggerating their financial health | 29.6% |
| They downplayed how much money/savings/access to wealth they had | 19.9% |
| They downplayed the debt they had or exaggerated how much they earn | 14.3% |
| Percentage of respondents who admit to financially misleading their partners | |
|---|---|
| Experience | Percentage of respondents |
| I've always been transparent about my finances | 48.0% |
| I've downplayed how much money I have | 21.5% |
| I have done both of the above in relationships | 20.6% |
| I've downplayed the debt I have or exaggerated how I they earn | 9.8% |
But why are people being dishonest about their finances in relationships? The most common reason people lie is to be seen as financially equal in the relationship. Women were slightly more likely (25.6%) to lie for this reason than men (20.2%).
The most common reason people lie to their partner is to be seen as financially equal (22.5%)
Consistent with the fact that respondents were more likely to downplay their finances rather than exaggerate their worth (21.5% compared to 9.8%). The next most common reason people weren’t transparent was to ensure their partner didn’t just date them for their money (20.3%).
Women were twice as likely to lie because they felt ashamed (11.4% compared to 5.8%) and men were more likely than women to lie because they thought their partner would end the relationship if they knew the truth (26.4% compared to 13.6%).
| Reasons why people lie about their finances in relationships | |
|---|---|
| Reason | Percentage of respondents |
| I wanted to be seen as equal in the relationship | 22.5% |
| I didn't want them to date me just because of my financial worth | 20.3% |
| I thought they might end the relationship otherwise | 20.1% |
| I thought they would be intimidated by how much I earn/ am worth | 12.8% |
| I didn't think it was important | 12.5% |
| I felt ashamed | 8.9% |
| I didn't know myself / unintentionally made a mistake | 2.9% |
Conflict in the relationship over finances
However, despite the fact that the majority of relationships reported a high likelihood of financial transparency, finances still cause conflict in relationships. In fact, 86.6% of respondents report having a conflict with their partner over finances.
And in some cases, financial conflicts can even cause the demise of a relationship. Overall, 41.4% of respondents said that financial issues had factored into a past breakup. This includes 18.6% of people who have broken up with someone for financial reasons, and 22.8% who said it was a contributing factor.
Unfortunately, some people can feel stuck in relationships because of the financial security it provides or due to the high cost of separation. Out of the respondents in relationships, 23.5% would separate if they knew that there would be no financial impact on them, and 22.7% would be more likely to.
| If you knew there would be no financial impact on you, would you separate from your current partner? (e.g. no increased housing costs, no divorce costs) | |
|---|---|
| No | 53.8% |
| Would separate if they knew that there would be no financial impact on them | 23.5% |
| Would be more likely to | 22.7% |
Financial counselling or therapy is one option specifically targeted at resolving these types of issues. Two in five (44.2%) of people in a relationship thought that financial couples counseling would help their relationship.
Financial preferences when dating
Most dates come at a cost. A previous Self survey on the Cost of Dating found that almost two-thirds of people (64.6%) surveyed believe that spending more increases the chance of the date being a success. This survey also revealed that the average date in 2024 will cost $58.84 per person, with men expecting to spend more by around a fifth.
Looking at the current survey in this article concerning financial dynamics in relationships, just over half of people (52%) would like to date someone who earns more than them, and 32.1% would prefer to date someone with the same income. And the younger you are, the more likely you are after someone with a higher income than you: 54.2% of those aged between 18-27 would prefer to date someone with a higher salary than themselves, declining to 40.4% of those aged between 60 and 78.
An indicator of more traditional gender roles in relationships, men were much more likely than women to want to date someone who earns less than them (24% compared to 8.7%) whilst women were more likely to want to date someone who earns more than them (63.3% compared to 39.3%).
The biggest financial red flags when it came to dating were someone who owes money to friends (63.5%), someone who doesn’t tip (46.8%) and someone who criticises you for your spending choices (46.6%).
| Financial red-flags* | |
|---|---|
| Habit | Percentage of respondents |
| Owing friends money | 63.5% |
| Not tipping | 46.8% |
| Criticising spending choices | 46.6% |
| Overworking | 40.8% |
| Expensive hobbies | 31.7% |
| Overly generous (e.g., picking up the bill for friends) | 30.3% |
| Buying cheap/poor quality items to save money | 30.2% |
| Expensive taste | 30.0% |
| Receiving money from parents | 29.4% |
| Regularly buying takeout rather than cooking | 23.5% |
| Spending too much time on stocks/ crypto | 23.2% |
| Being preoccupied with finding deals or vouchers to save money | 17.3% |
*Respondents could choose multiple answers
On the flip side, there were plenty of financial habits which were attractive to a potential partner. The most attractive financial habit to have is knowing how to organise your finances, for example, knowing how to budget monthly (65.1%). Bargain hunters are also hot in demand, with 60.8% of people finding those who know how to find good deals and other savvy ways to minimise costs attractive.
| Financial green-flags* | |
|---|---|
| Habit | Percentage of respondents |
| Having organised finances: e.g. a monthly budget | 65.1% |
| Being savvy about the best deals and ways to minimise costs | 60.8% |
| Having a financial plan for the future: e.g. a financial five year plan | 57.1% |
| Being money-orientated: e.g. choosing a high-paying career path | 51.3% |
| Invests in stocks / knowledgeable about current financial affairs | 50.4% |
| DIY skills - saving money on hiring in a contractor | 49.6% |
| Having a 401k/IRA or otherwise preparing for retirement | 46.0% |
| Tipping staff generously | 42.8% |
| Spending money on a love interest/ partner, e.g. buying expensive gifts | 31.9% |
| Has family wealth | 18.3% |
| Lives a lavish lifestyle | 10.6% |
*Respondents could choose multiple answers
Parents and finances: generational influences on love and money
Parents often model relationship behaviors for their children. This includes demonstrating how to discuss and navigate finances with a partner. But these examples aren’t always positive.
Almost half of the respondents, 47%, said their parents did not have a healthy financial dynamic and 45.9% said they want to avoid replicating their parents' financial relationship with their partner.
When asked what was unhealthy about their parents' financial dynamic, 90.4% said that it was due to different attitudes towards spending. Three quarters also said that one parent took more control of the finances (74.9%) and a similar amount (73.2%) said that there were financial secrets between their parents – for example, hidden spending or gambling habits.
It was also more typical for the financial relationship to be dysfunctional in several ways. Of those who said their parents had financial issues, seven in ten (69.2%) of people picked multiple issues from the list.
| Financial dynamics in parents' relationships | |
|---|---|
| Reasons | Percentage of respondents |
| Different attitudes towards spending | 90.4% |
| One parent took more control of the finances | 74.9% |
| Financial secrets between them (e.g. gambling habit, secret spending) | 73.2% |
| One parent was financially dependent on the other | 62.5% |
Methodology
A survey on behalf of Self Financial was conducted in January 2025 and asked 1,048 American adults questions about the intersections between their romantic life and their finances.
These questions covered a variety of topics, including how honest people are about their finances when dating and in their relationships, their financial preferences in a partner, tensions over money and how their parents' relationships with money has impacted their own financial relationships with partners.
The 5.2% of respondents who grew up in the care system were not included in questions regarding parent(s) or caregiver(s).
The demographics of the respondents were:
Gender:
- Female: 50.4%
- Male: 47.6%
- Non-binary: 1.1%
- Prefer not to say: 0.9%
Age:
- 18 - 27: 11.5%
- 28 - 43: 64.7%
- 44 - 59: 18.8%
- 60 - 78: 5.0%
- 79+: 0.1%
Level of Income:
- Less than $20,000: 14.4%
- $20,000 - $39,999: 14.3%
- $40,000 - $59,999: 24.0%
- $60,000 - $79,999: 21.0%
- $100,000 - $149,999: 8.3%
- $150,000+: 2.6%
- N/A or unemployed: 1.8%
- Prefer not to say: 1.5%
Sources
- [1] Marriage.com, "What Is the Average Length of a Relationship Before Marriage" https://www.marriage.com/advice/relationship/average-length-of-a-relationship
- [2] ApartmentAdvisor, "Be My Valentine… And My Roommate? Here's How Much You Can Save By Moving In Together." https://www.apartmentadvisor.com/blog/post/be-my-valentine-and-my-roommate-heres-how-much-you-can-save-by-moving-in
